Happiness

Life itself is a balancing act of work, of family, of needs, of wants, of us Life's biggest irony however is that, the best juggler of it might not even be the slightest of happy Perhaps the ones not even trying, are its best disciples The deliberation of things, kills the spontaneity and happiness of what should have been I try, I try, and I try too hard sometimes How do we even define Happy? I'm not happy.

Intellects

I belong to a group of intellects With the ability to perform, not enough to excel With the drive to work hard, not enough to compete With the speed to learn fast, not enough to get there Intellects, good brains and never enough Where do we go from here?

Self Realization

Self realization comes at a cost The cost of wounding one's pride too deep The pain, it hurts, So much, a curse word grows quiet Quiet from pain rather than the frustration that it usually is The pain of knowing, the knowledge of inadequacies The cut in the ego The signs of surrender All because, I realized.

nex to the End

What comes in place of relief is another sense of loss. A tinge of emptiness, a pocket full of dust.

When Enough is Really Enough

It's again been some time since I last visited here. Reasons being, I haven't had much time or mood lately for anything to blog about. Been really, really down lately. People around me the past few weeks - if they were so unlucky to catch me at all - would know. It's a terrible feeling, unable to cozy up in a new job, especially with your colleagues. The situation has become so bad, it's kinda like a me against them battle now. Been feeling like Mr Pink lately. Been feeling so low down on confidence that I thought I might as well just give up and admit that I'm dumb. It was only yesterday that I finally sat down and straighten things out. I mean like hey? I do have the means to shine bright at work. I'm neither dumb nor stupid. On the contrary, I can be rather impressive. Why should I continue to feel that way. It's a lousy way to start a new job and to carry on my life. Jobs come and go. People come and go too. Why should I let it dampen my spirits? I'm not a person suitable for such. It's unhealthy. Tomorrow would be it. ENOUGH!

Oil

Been feeling like a thin firm of oil in water. Never mixing, never can mix. Instead of dissolving, grows only thicker.

How Not to be a Project Leader

1. Give your members old and/or wrong documentations. 2. Give your members old and/or wrong information regarding the project. 3. Hold on to valuable information, giving them out to your members only at the last minute with the question "I never give you meh?" 4. Sit on information/questions requested by members and answer with a "nevermind, now don't need" and question back with a "Can you do this/that yet?" at the last minute. 5. Ignore the project members, oblivious to the project status. 6. Skip testing totally and jump straight into User Acceptance Test with clients with eyes popping out, mouth making clicking sound and mouth twisting in distaste when things wouldn't work. 7. Breaking promises to project members regarding project status timings and etc. 8. Giving the client totally wrong information regarding the project done by the members because of 6. All these and more and so lucky me managed to be at the wrong end of the effects in 1 day.

Dirty Laundry

Exposing your programming codes - knowing that they're still horrible from lack of time to write construct them nice - is akin to showing your dirty laundry in public and having them examined thoroughly by people on the roads. What's even worse is them telling you how you should wash them and/or should be wearing your panties. Terribly shameful. Totally pissed.

Presidential Erection

I attempted to translate my blog from Singlish to Benglish after reading Kenny Sia and his Benglish Translator. This one particular sentence is extremely glaring to the eyes.

Before that I'm gonna be voting for sure - confirm! was the word I used - this time round coz there's more than 1 person running for the presidential election.

After that wa si gonna be voting for sure - conperm! was the word Limpeh used - this time round coz there's more than 1 chao kacheng running for the presidential erection.

More on the erection election. mr brown informs us in Singapore style Presidential elections that apparently, the voting is still going on and in fact has gone on even way before the actual date - if there were one. Thanks to him, I finally got the chance to cast my one insignificant vote. I was the 316th person who voted for the only person in the poll - no prize to guessing who it was. Yes, I voted but still, not shiok ley. Maybe coz I never queue up for it.

The Ultimate BLEH!

How could I ever forget to include this in the previous list?????? This must be the ultimate bleh of my life. For the 2nd time running, I've lost the chance to cast a vote. Just last week, I was telling my mum in triumph - not in that brand of undies!!! - that I'm gonna be voting for sure - confirm! was the word I used - this time round coz there's more than 1 person running for the presidential election. My jaw dropped on Saturday evening watching the news on TV. The elections are off. You know the rest people so I shall not go on, else my heart might just bleed non stop. The first time that such a thing happened to me was a couple of years back. A lousy tale, which I might tell later on if I'm not rushing work. And a smaller bleh from sometime ago... Imagine my horror when I realized that the IRAS website, which I had bitched upon for tons of times because it's not working correctly and keeps kicking me out, is done by my poly friend!

The Good, The Bad and The Bleh!

It's been a long time since I write about well...stuff, I've been dwelling on shopping, stress, work and so on and it's been boring. I've had had a topic in mind, something I've been wanting to write. Looking at the time and the work on hand - I brought work home coz I was sick of doing it at that lousy place - I suppose it has to wait another day. In order to prevent cobwebs from gathering around here before I get my butt back into writing stuff, I supposed some updates are necessary. The Good 1. I bought my pair of orange birkenstocks last Thursday and yes, I'm liking it. 2. Airen got his tank on Saturday. It burned a huge hole in his pocket but he's enjoying it. No shrimps nor fishes at the moment yet coz he's doing what's called the "cycling of the tank", bicycles not included. 3. Bought a nice green eye shadow palette from Kate with Starusticity last Saturday and finally understood the meaning and use of an eye liner - yes I'm dumb and so what? Better late than never right? 4. Finished reading New Spring by Robert Jordan some time back and feeling wonderfully good about it. Lotsa deja vu in the book. 5. Bought Prophecy by Elizabeth Haydon on Saturday from Sunny book shop at Far East. It's the 2nd book in the Symphony of Ages series. Not that great but worth a try, I'm already at my 200th - out of 600 - page on the first day. 6. Bought The Sandman Book of Dreams edited by Neil Gaiman, written by a whole load of authors including Tad Williams last, last Saturday. I'm half way through the book and still loving the strange tales. The Bad 1. Had a meeting with boss last Friday and BLEH! I'm not gonna be posted to China Square Central anymore!!! I'll be alone at this current horrible place with AH HUA!!! WHAT????????? 2. I'm stressed, seriously stressed. I wake up everyday wondering how I might get past the day safely without much damage to anything. 3. I'm not settling down with my colleagues yet. It's really tough to. Serious. 4. This dumb ass that has been harassing my airen on his mobile might never get his deserts because of certain loopholes in the law - I'll explain that sometime. Makes me feel like calling some people for some loo reminders when I'm wide awake at night now. 5. Pimples! Do I need to elaborate? 6. I'm still stuck working on something. I'm getting confused with all the "business logics" and getting the almost there and giving up symptoms again. 6 goods vs 6 bads? A tie! Gross and I was hoping that the good might somehow out weigh the bad to make myself feel happier and less stress. Hmmm....ok 1 last good, my sis bought me an orange top. Oh, that and another. Mr Smurfie treated me to a free Burger King lunch today during our bitching session. And another? He just published his post - slightly earlier than me - and mentioned me inside. Airen just MMS me a piggy bank, not in the form of a pig - what do you call those things anyway? - that I've fallen in love with sometime ago and he has 1 reserved for me *beams* Well, maybe not THAT bad afterall, until tomorrow that is, where I'm likely gonna wake up with 2 words in my head again. Yo Mr Smurfie, I'm really not there yet. Might take years and years and years. I'm still shivering to the bone each day I step into the war zone and each time I'm given a new task. The kancheong monster resurfacing in the form of the witch. Will take me some time to settle down and stop shaking. In time, we might stop shaking together and perhaps start shaking legs.

Stress

Even blogging seems a waste of time. Or sleeping, so to say.

Woman Behaving Badly

Have been feeding my pals and close ones with lousy emotions recently. Lousy ones ranging from depressed speeches, to anger, to deep frustration and impatience with the occasional bright, cheerful sparks. Occasional. The last occasion was last Saturday, after trying on a single sided birkenstock sandal and anticipating the fireworks at Marina later. There is no excuse for such bad behaviour. I'm soaking in my constant, hopping temperament and drenching the people all around me. All because of a change in job and the inability to settle right in. I moan, I groan, I complain, I fumed. All while taking every single person who is willing to listen for granted. I sincerely apologize. Sorry ah. Especially if the emotion directed to you was anger and impatience. In truth, I'm not sure if I didn't mean it however, I supposed given my sense of thought and logic even now, I think I should just apologize and accept everything as my own fault - not that anyone voiced out or any major breakouts, except for pimples, errupted this time. But truely, it has to be me. Everybody's really nice and supportative this time around. A major thanks. Yah, really thank you, gam siah. And for the few people reading this, give yourselves a pat on the back. You deserve it after reading through all these nonsense.

Sole Heaven

All of things I'm hoping to buy right now besides books and more books - I've given up on clothes as well as accessories since I don't like my new company dress code - is a pair of lovely birkenstock sandals. I worship the sandals the moment I laid an unsuspecting foot in one of them last Saturday. The colors, the comfort, what was I doing all these while? Staring at the blisters on my feet, the only thing in my mind is I NEED! Unable to wait for next month, I think I'm likely to make my first purchase next week. My very first pair of birkenstock and maybe a nice palette of pretty eye shadow colors. All next week.

Landing Spot

I'm missing out on something. Something dear, something fine, something really close to the heart. A place, a cubicle, a desk, anything at all to call my own in this new company of mine. I'm lost. In constant need of direction, desperately searching for a cozy landing spot to settle down. All I need and ask for is a desk and pray, a good pc. I'll just make do with horrid mice. ***updates*** GOOD NEWS!!! I received this wonderful piece of news - which was only hearsay last week - from my colleague that my boss has decided that the 2 of us and the attachment student - who looks waaaay too old for his current age of 19 - to be relocated back to the office at China Square Central after 2 more weeks at the current spot. Its the cosiest place ever - we went back to spring clean that place last evening to prepare for an important client visiting us tomorrow - and what's more, I've been given the best seat in the office, at the corner of the room so I can blog to my heart's content! - I wish. Oh yah and AH HUA - see her picture here - will be stationed at the current place instead of relocating back with me! HOORAY!

Ringing in The Bright Sunshine

Orange is officially my favorite color now, the spot that green has taken for ages. I'm buying all things possibly orange - except for a certain brand of watch - basking in their vibrant hue. The Sony Ericsson handphone W800i I've been longing for since ages and ages ago is finally reaching our shores. If anyone of you have seen the full package, you must have understood my delight. It's B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I'm so wild with excitement, I can't wait for end of the year to arrive - not that its only reaching our island then but its likely gonna be much cheaper by that time of the year - so I can hold it in my hands and declare it mine - after full payment of coz! Then, there's the dilemma. I caught a glimpse of this egg-like looking Samsung E530C in Orange - on the brochure - last Saturday at Suntec and fell in cheaper love. It costs only a whooping half of W800i. Fickle, fickle minded person. They're both lovely in bright orange. Both with their own pros and cons - W800i's only con was the price and that's the biggest con ever. I've up to end of year to decide and if W800i's price were to drop drastically low - *hint hint* sponsors - my bet would it and the 512MB memory stick that comes together. *swoon*

Fruit for Thought

Another one of my random thoughts. If tomatoes are fruits, why are they sold by the vege sellers?

Problematic Singaporean Aunties

My 3rd day at work and I can't tahan that auntie already. For those who have heard me bitch abit about her and/or receive an MMS of her auntie back, yes, that is the auntie I'm talking about here. For those who does not know, she's my colleague. There's 3 clear reasons why I stayed clear of her. 1. She's obviously beyond my league. I've not reached that stage yet. 2. Her auntieness at work annoys me to no end. 3. She scares me shitless with her ultra auntieness. I noticed this other auntie on the train back home just now, made a mental note that she's about the same age as AH-HUA - her ultra auntiness - and the way she dressed and behave. No way am I gonna end up like that anytime at all in my life. Thus, I've set this new resolution for myself in the up and coming future. I shall strive be to a funky auntie and not an auntie auntie so that I'll not shame myself when I reach my 40s. Especially if I'm still working professionally. For those who have questions regarding the difference between the 2 categories of aunties - I'm sure some of you here will question *SIGHS* - here's the answer. Funky auntie is someone who is still funky and normal in the auntie age range. Whereas an auntie auntie is someone who is an auntie in the auntie age range. Still don't get it? Go hop on some trains or go to markets, sit down and observe as the auntie aunties bombard you with their auntieness and multiply by 5 for the effect she'll have on you if you were working professionally together - especially when she's not a clerk but in the IT line. In any case, I think Mr Smurfie is gonna write a blog post about this topic and most likely post the picture I took of her up. Wait up for it especially if I confuse you in my not explaining properly - gotta go stress him abit.

Miss Fitting Big Fish

There was this line in the movie Big Fish that just hit me in the head this morning.

The ring master: You were a big fish in a small pond but this is the ocean and you find yourself drowning in it.

To which Edward Bloom replies something in the line of he'll still swim well in it, with a smile. The world outside the bridge scares me a little. No, make that pretty much alot. I'm lonely. A little scared. A bit worried. A mixture of everything. The only good thing is that I'm still trying - short of going back to beg for a job. And then it also occurred to me that I'm feeling kinda like Richard Mayhew in Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere. I seemed to have fallen between the cracks. The cracks where the misfits fit. I don't seemed to be able to function well in an normal environment because I not only do not have the normal skills for survival, I do not like them as well. At this point in time, I start to wonder. I wonder if I should do an Edward Bloom and look at trouble in the eye, laugh out loud and get my way or should I do a Richard Mayhew. Richard fell between by accident, tries hard to work his way in a strange new world, which turns to welcome him more than his own and which he in turn chose over his big new office and penthouse. In summary, Edward Bloom changed the environment to fit him in, while Richard Mayhew changed his location to find that right environment. Food for thought really. And before I figure out which I should be, I'll just stay on and keep trying.

First of August

Can't say I'm all prepared for the day coz I seriously believed that I'll be still at home reading Robert Jordan and his never ending wheel for another few weeks. Turned up at the PSA building at 9am - i don't work for PSA and please don't ask me where I work here, I'm gonna be anonymous from today onwards, not even gonna mention I own a blog at work. I'm tired. Seriously tired at this time, 11:08pm. I slept at 1:30am last night, reading all about the beginning of the wheel. Blurred through work - the guys are better than the gals - and met up with Mr Smurfie for a tiny bitching session at Ikea, Burger King. It's funny how you dislike a place so much and at the end of it, you start to miss the little things that made you stayed there the first place. Mr Smurfie and myself were discussing about this during dinner just now. In fact, the moment I sat down in front of my new workstation this morning, I started to miss my old one already. All the warm fuzzy feelings gone. It is kinda strange getting all meek and unfamiliar to a whole new world again when I was calling the shots for the past 1 year and 3 months. What can I say? It's my choice and it's just another step into my future, the one that I wish I could reach. Tomorrow shall be a better day. I'm gonna work hard.