Help Me

The world is a lonely place. Especially when your area of work is huge and the people you meet are small. Help is nowhere to be found, blame lurking in every corner of the street. When disaster strikes, however small, people scream. They yell and they can panic, they all can but you. Your business goes on as being yours, their business comes to you. At the end of it all, you're covered with battle scars, in blood. But the world is round. It goes on rotating. The next day, you have to deal with it again. It never ends. Help me. Help me break free from this lonesome world of blame. Help me.

The Meaning of Obligation

Broke a pencil during meeting today. I can't stand his nonsense anymore. He actually told me to smile knowing that I'm horribly stressed n pissed? "SMILE! I like to see you smile" Damn! I'll smile when I smash your head you old mean ass. Now after harassing my friend and family not to mention bombarding my mobile, he tells me it's not an obligation for me to answer or even read those messages when I'm on leave? Huh? Tell me something I can understand. Perhaps I don't understand geniuses. And what now? I'm supposed to explain programming codes again? To a person who thinks insertion of data into the database means creating a new database. What does he mean by flow? There's no flowcharts for this! Flowcharts show the flow of the process, not the codes!! Flow, flow, flow! Can somebody please get him off my back and ask him to only come back to talk to me until at least he's gotten a diploma in IT. Ok. So am I still obliged to SMILE? My patience is wearing off.

Tsunami Aftermath

I just got news from my second sis that my eldest sis - working at a reputable tour agency - is on standby to go to Phuket tomorrow to collect corpses of tourists who died there. My heart stopped beating for awhile. Tears on the verge of flowing. We might not be close as sisters should be, it does not stop me from hurting inside out. My fingers trembled as I painstakingly typed these words. The tidal waves are not going to just stop. The dangers are still lurking around the corners. I pray again, the second time today. Please do not take my sister away from my family. Let her remain in Singapore. If she has to go, bring her safely back to us. The tsunami does not hit us, till it hits us personally.

Touched by A Cousin

I was warmed by a phonecall today. It was a simple question. She asked if I'm safe and in the country. A simple question that speaks so much. Thank you Jocelyn. I love you, my cousin.

The Color Green

A brand new template for a brand new year. Green has always been one of my favorite colors. A certain somebody once commented that it is a color of jealousy. I call it the spirit of nature. Nonetheless, I hope, everyday is a beautiful fresh green day.

Abandonment

Friends, through this x'mas season, I seemed to have lost a few more. Gone are the year and a half of happy times. The I'll-stand-by-you statements which, now I understand why, were often left unsaid. The memories of our relationship, fading away into nothing more than figments of a life long past. Perhaps I've always gotten it wrong, I misunderstood the friendly intentions and the meaning of the word yet again. In my teenage years, friends are people that share their sorrow with me, drag me into their problems, hide behind my small frame and desert me at the slightest bit of laughter in the air. As I got older, I thought I fully understood. I stayed aloof, unattached and at my short arm's length. Friends, however still found ways to get into my life. They changed the meaning 180 degrees around and fooled me by sharing their laughter. Or rather I would say, make me the joker for their daily entertainment. I was pressurized into creating more foolish antics in relation to their growing demands. I refused to be led. I declined the offer to be made the fool against my very wishes. I'm just myself. Neither the leader nor the follower. I'm just myself, alone. Lonely, surrounded by massive noise. I'm not in denial just coz I rejected the strange label. How strange is it to ask for love and comfort? How weird is it to ask for freedom to be myself, to be politically incorrect at times? Friends that come and go, promised to stay yet chose to leave. Choose others over me once again. I'm always at the end of the scale at judgment day why should I even be surprised? Sympathy is not a word made for me. Love is never enough. And after all is said and done, all that was left, is to abandon me.

Desperate Prayers

I have no god to believe in but can someone out there please just bless me this once for I really despise certain people. Provide me with the comprehension please, to understand their reasons for doing what they do coz I despise them hiding behind smiles and words of concern while holding knives in hand to spill blood when I do not see. Give me the strength to endure infuriation when they ask things that do not need answers or in fact questioning because I so despise their disregard for personal privacy. If all else fails, show me the way out before their intrusion invade into my every cell. I pray, for their salvation and mine as well. Pray that I do them no harm in trying to escape this haunting mental prison.

Jubjub & Quiggle Song

jubjub the green green melon has some very big round eyes and if she meets red quiggle, she'll squeak out in delight then 1 bright hot, x'mas eve some lamers came 2 Mac they bought jubjub n quiggle then brought them to ABI... jubjub n red red quiggle spending x'mas in dis place trying to spread some x'mas spirit to this land Just trying to spread some x'mas cheer here.

A Blogging X'mas

I'm dreaming of a white flour x'mas, with every x'mas blog I write may your days be merry and bright and may all your x'mas blogs be nice haha I'm such a lamer I'm actually spending my time in office, during x'mas eve, doing this. Tashes is lame today, so am I. The lameness level is at an all time high. And yes, the blogging x'mas song can now be found in my blog - this one.

X'mas Eve

It's the time of the year again. Jingle bells ring, making merry, presents giving. It's x'mas time. For some reason somehow, it's so un-x'masy this year. Nobody's singing carols, nobody's really wishing the "Merry X'mas" thingy. I don't feel x'mas anywhere. There's no longer the x'mas spirit in the air. GASP! Has it left us and gone to another merry land? The mood in the office is strange. There's only a couple of persons left. 4 guys, tashes and me. Oh and LH has come back. She's female. Everybody is strangely contented at working hard except for the 2 of us. It seems too much like an April afternoon, are we been played pranks on? Theme song for the day - silent night or rather afternoon. It's so hard to stay working when the outside world is celebrating already. I'm disconnected from my work. Everybody is still working quietly and happily. Why is that so? It's a skill that I never want to master. Tashes and I are lamely trying to be x'masy. We celebrate by going to Mac for lunch and buying each other a neopet each as gifts. Humming x'masy songs and typing MSN in red and green font colors. Say hi to Green Jubjub, Red Quiggle & us. On a last note, I sent MMS to my friends and one of them replied back... "OI! Retrieve fail lah. You got nothing to do in the office is it?" ..........ok, so much for a X'mas mood. Merry X'mas anyway.

I Dunno

Some people just won't take No for an answer. These are the norms. There are others, a minority perhaps that will not take I don't know for one. I know one such person.

Today's Wisdom

It's amazing how 1 little word made up of 3 characters and 1 exclamation can describe the life, personality and behavior of a person. DUH!

Spongebob & Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of Energy

The song that really, really describes our feelings here. I think all of us are like the lame plankton. We have computer husbands. Hope we can confront the psychic wall of energy too coz we're gonna be sucked dry anytime soon. Artist: The Flaming Lips LyricsSong: Spongebob & Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of Energy Patrick, you see, I'm growing a mustache And though I know I must ask you Does it really make me look like a man? Spongebob, being a man is just a tough job I hope you're picked to be the best spongebobs ever had Working like a dog at the Krusty Krab Now wait a minute I think we hit a wall I think we hit a psychic wall Maybe we're just young and we won't know 'til we're old Too young to free ourselves from this lonely fish bowl Some kind of wall Some kind of psychic wall Some kind of wall Some kind of psychic wall We can get a burn Come on, let's find a way to be happy Not like Plankton, he will never be satisfied Always complaining about his life To his computer wife You think he would've found by now To be sought as a king We don't need a burn

Retail Therapy

I was pissed again on Saturday. But this time, there is a difference in the degree of pissing, which probably is due the nonsense that I've been sucking in. The air, it kills even when I'm out of here. In trying to escape the clutches of the big bad zebra in human clothing. I decided. I need to get out of my warm bed and spend some money before my life force drains away, leaving me with nothing but some short bones. I'm not a good shopper. I usually go out with big plans and return with nothing leaving my wallet still intact - sometimes, I'm really not sure if that's a good thing. I hate buying clothes especially coz I dislike having to queue up and change then try to convince myself that I look good by turning in all sorts of directions. I don't really have a thing for sales either coz crowds make me feel faint and 90% of the time, I'm elbowed, pushed and tugged by crazy sales predators. BUT! For the very few times in my life, I actually felt that I need to spend money on myself to feel happy again. Suddenly, everything in the shops looked so nice to me. They're waving and calling out to me like friends, twitching at my heart. For once, in those very few times, I learnt to enjoy queuing up. I learnt the art of picking up more pieces to try while still in line. Within 2 hours, I bought 4 tops, 1 bag and 1 necklace at 2 very different locations which will take more than 15 minutes to travel to and fro. A major feat for me, considering that I usually take 5-6 trips to the same place before deciding maybe I really do not need to buy that top. On this very special occasion, I suddenly felt fortunate to have put on weight again - not that I like my growing tummy and twin tower thighs. If not for my hippy hip looking way awful in pants, long or short, I would have emptied my bank in less than 4 hours. By the way, my biggest disappointment of the day was missing out on a pair of shoes. I went to the same shoe shop 3 times and tried 3 different pairs of shoes on 2 different days and they never had my size. How can I not have shoes??? I'm stressed out. The sales girl had to calm me down by asking to leave my name and number down so they can contact me when the sizes come in. Oh how I dislike my small boney feet! I need shoes to balance the day's expenses. Despite the shoe setback, I would have to conclude that shopping did manage to calm me down a big deal. I felt happy with my new babies and am still dying to go out and grab more. I hate to admit it but age it seems, has finally caught up with me. I'm bathing in the joys of Retail Therapy, something that I've never been infected with before. Am I considered a true woman now? Should I be proud of it? By the way, why have they not called me regarding the shoes yet?

Spongebob Squarepants

I love Bikini Bottom. Not the wearable type. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm a fan of the sea sponge and his best friend Patrick. But I'll be crazy if I were to say I'm not dying to watch their first ever movie. I'm absorbed by the super absorbent. I'll be 26 in about 3 months time.

Wise Words from MSN

color my inspirations is referring to Tashes and Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There is myself. Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: hey! I keep typing wrong stuff leh!! how ah? color my inspirations. says: u ve communication problems today Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: yah color my inspirations. says: hw do pple manage affairs? color my inspirations. says: they so free Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: I dunno Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: maybe coz they're managers color my inspirations. says: strange pple................. color my inspirations. says: ohhhhhhhhhhhh nw tt makes sense..... Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: managers can manage affairs n other's affairs u c? color my inspirations. says: so wat advice did ur airen gif? color my inspirations. says: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: nothing color my inspirations. says: makes sense hahaaaaaaaa Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: he juz view n went hmmmm............ color my inspirations. says: so tt means, cannot marry managers? Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: makes sense rite? Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: cannot color my inspirations. says: hmmmmmmmm Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: AHA! color my inspirations. says: big boss leh?? Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: no wonder Y is demoted color my inspirations. says: im supposed to b a taitai u noe? Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: he cannot manage affairs!! color my inspirations. says: haaaaaaaaaa Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: he's 2 chi qing 4 affairs color my inspirations. says: ohhhh chi qing color my inspirations. says: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa color my inspirations. says: hmmm but our 'managers' r married to each other? color my inspirations. says: so........................... Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: hahahahahahahahahahaha color my inspirations. says: hmmm... Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: dat's y instead of having affairs they tried 2 meddle in2 our affairs color my inspirations. says: darn. color my inspirations. says: no fair. color my inspirations. says: i can ' Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: tiz a gd msn 4 my blog color my inspirations. says: i can 'manage' myself Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: full of logic n sense color my inspirations. says: u pink hoppo praising urself Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: not u! the managers!! if they can't manage "affairs" of the marriage kind, they'll hav 2 manage our affiars Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: affairs! words fail me again Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: yes! I am praising myself Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: the wise wise hoppo color my inspirations. says: im sleepy again pls ask them to try NT to manage my affairs today. me sleepy. neednt b managed. Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: *sitting in lotus position* color my inspirations. says: madness. color my inspirations. says: stop deluding urself, WISE hoppo. Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: I am wise, young mae, I am color my inspirations. says: u owl? Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: no a hippo color my inspirations. says: u so hip hor color my inspirations. says: pple wise owl, u wise hoppo color my inspirations. says: im happy bein the ignorant bimbotic barbie color my inspirations. says: ha. Either Here Or Gone, Neither Here Nor There says: yeah, me the hip 1 dat's so full of hips, I can't fit in2 my jeans anymore

Err.....

Words fail me today. I don't know why. They simply fail me. I'm a constant "errr............"

Non-Pink Silent Prayer

I can't believe myself. I'm actually nice to him today. I even made him laugh, twice - if by accident. It is sooooo scary! I'm not a PINK lover. Seriously, I'm not. Anyway, I just hope this day and the weekend passes without any major highs or lows. What the heck? Make that every single day. The launching of the new system in a rush yesterday already - almost - killed me. I wonder why I still alive sometimes. I'll pray that nothing happens today, tomorrow and the day after. I'll hope for system and server peace. I'll wish for eternal stabilization of the system. I'll trust that my phone will never ring for reasons I do not like.

Blogs of a Teenage Angst Couple

Tashes and I have been so traumatized by the number of young Singaporean bloggers that writes daily life reports in strange lousy English. They embarrass us - big time - till I stumbled into a 16 year old girl's blog. She 16, angry, very angry. She's dark, she writes well. Proper English. She's in a gang, smokes and such but she writes well. Just a thought. If that's the ingredients for writing well or at least in proper English then maybe the rest of the teenager community should be doing that too. Reading her blog makes us wanna tell her to cool and just see things on the brighter side abit. Being angry will not cure anything. She loves her boyfriend so much that her life depended on it and it is scary for elders like us who's been through the tides of life. We can safely declare that there's no real dependence in life. But, for that love and passion, we just HAD to find her boyfriend's blog and we found it. He's a 17 year old guy, who's well, cute. There was no photograph but he is so sweet in his attempts to cheer his "dark queen" up. He's depressed. He's cheery. He writes really really well. He's so lyrical. He's in a band and surprise, surprise, he loves his baby so too. It hurts to read his blog because the conclusion on our part is that if she does not wake up soon enough, one day this sweet guy will pass. We read his first ever blogs from when he just met her. Read his thoughts, his stresses and realized that we care. I felt that I was intruding into his life but I can't help it. I felt like a stalker. I can't get enough of reading his teenage life. Lastly, they're a young Singaporean couple. For once, I can say I'm proud of the youngsters here.

Beliefs

There are sparks. I can feel them. They're getting larger with each replying email. I refuse to submit. My head refuses to bend. I will hold on to my beliefs till the day I'm driven out of here - or when I leave, in peace.

"The" Him

It's just another ordinary day, nothing out of the ordinary, except that there was a fire drill and we went downstairs to practice fighting fire using an extinguisher rather than bare fists. Other than that, nothing that shouldn't happen, happened. Everything is as everything should be based on the following schedule. 1. Emails that'll piss me off. 2. People that'll piss me off. 3. Phone calls that'll piss me off. 4. Him, to piss me off - or to put it in a nicer way, amaze me Really. Sometimes I do not know if I should be pissed by his lack of understanding for all things simple and logical or be amazed by his lack of understanding for all things logical and simple. I think I'm being overly bias. It's undeniable. I am. I can't help it. We're supposed to work as a team but the cohesiveness is never there. Not when a normal conversation with this person goes something like that. Me "Erm...Mr blah blah blah?" Him "huh?" - LOUDLY Followed by explanation from me. Followed by more huhs?? or Him "SIMHUI!!! blah blah blah" Me "huh?" - puzzled look - "What do you mean?" In fact something worthy of note happened yesterday which led on to some interesting facts. Both tashes and I were fed up by a particular person which for certain reasons shall be referred to as the Pregnant Zebra here. While we're still fuming, the phone rang. Both of us refused to pick up the phone. We're kind of like the receptionists here. We always pick up the calls - especially me though 95% of the time, I'm transferring them. The thing to note here is that he never ever picks any up unless he is expecting one. Ok so at this point in time, both of us really freaked out coz we do not want to entertain anymore Pregnant Zebras or zebra like entities. Then, surprise surprise. He, picked up the call. WOW! We stared at each other in unison. Same thoughts came to our minds. He IS a nice person afterall. Then "Hallow? Yah it's me..." Damn. Conclusion here. Nothing he does is ever right and if we finally guessed right about something he's done, it's probably the wrong things that he's doing.

Ramblings

"Programmers are the happiest if there are no users in this world." - Mike, fellow programmer stating the obvious "If there are no users, programmers will probably be all out of jobs." - Tashes, designer stating the reality of life

His Sneezes

He stinks everytime he returns from a puff. It's understandable and I've learnt to NOT maintain my posture, irregards to my back problem. I'll slide down to uphold dignity and hold my nose away from his sight and well, smell. I don't get it really. My father smokes, my brother smokes. Lots of others smoke, but they never stink. Today, he just had to add another stinky smell to the list. By sneezing. He has that lingering sneezing smell that is consistent with all others with this stinky lingering sneezing smell problem. It is that same smell and it STINKS! I can recongize that smell from a mile away coz my eldest sis has been in the same stinky situation ever since I knew her and could smell. I slide down, I hold my breath, I try to hold my nose in an inconspicuous manner. Nothing helped coz he just have to sneeze AGAIN!

Celebration of Life

The wonders of a new smile. The little pair of eyes trying to open. Watching you, knowingly, unknowingly. Tiny mouth yawning. Fists fighting in response. Watching her slowly grow up. Taking her very first steps. Trying to stand up on her own, Her very first signs of independence. Yesterday, I saw her blow her candles for the 5th time in her life. She has truly grown. The old her fading away, hidden beneath her lovely shell. Innocence slowly fleeing from my very eyes.

A Friend

The painful past, I see it again. Somewhere there, right in front of my eyes. Replaying itself. She is there, as usual in her untidy uniform and unruly hair. Smiling, waving – my friend. Always in her uniform, always the age that she was gone. The 16 year old girl. There is nothing left but despair. I used to dream of her. Waking up in guilt. Where was humanity? Perhaps it had not left me. It left her.

Self-realization

Self-realization taught me one thing about this humane world. There's no true dependence coz there's nothing to fully depend on. When the pillar of hope breaks and falls, there's nothing but emptiness left. There is no warmth left in this humane world. At least not for me. For I'll always be that observer. To escape, I repel. From the one that was me, into the one that I am, now. I do not understand humanity. It is such a big word, yet it never does anything for me. I fell, stood up, I walk on. Head not held high, back never straight. Yet I walked on whenever Humanity passes me by.

The Truth about Dreams

Dreams are sometimes reflections of the past, this I truly agree Maybe not fully but the pieces of it are definitely real. Try as I might, I never seemed to fit in, in my early teenage years. In my school where everybody has a special friend but me. There are those, friends that I truly treasure. The things I'll do for them, the lengths I'll go for them. Then, the nothings that I received. I stayed in a corner of my own, on my own. There I remained, watching each and everyone of them I'm always there and never there. Stepped on by the very ones that calls me friend Forgotten by the people that asks me for help I was never a wallflower Somehow, in their eyes and truly in my own as I see it now I'll always be that bystander Never to fit.

The Bystander

Reminiscing the dreams of a certain cloudy night Of a man, I never knew The rush of emotions that surrounded my heart Followed by waves of depression dampening my spirit He only has eyes for her The her who has a he Yet it is evident when their eyes meet each others’ The passion is not to be missed Her he does not know, I pretended not to know In the corner, I stayed, surveying his every move reminding myself that always I'll be nothing but a bystander

DUH!

I'm living in an ultra DUH World, trying to stay alive - background Staying Alive music playing Save me from this monster.

Xiaomei Part 1

Tashes has gone home and there is so much work. I can't concentrate anymore in this silence of a graveyard. But then again, there is always xiaomei to make sure that I always feel loved and protected - against the weirdest of sounds in this bizarre place. She's such a darling. I remember the first time I opened up the box and saw her lying perfectly in it, gleaming with pride. I recalled the first time I dropped her and caused her the 2 scars that we both thought was gonna haunt us for the rest of our lives. To cover up the effects of that day, I dress her in a rubbery green suit which was to be her permanent dressing for the rest of the 4 months of her life. Before long, her once beautiful sparkling smooth face turned coarse and scratchy. She refuses to meet me in the eyes or should I say it was the other way around and she was named for the first time in her life - zhang xiaohua (zhang - dirty, xiaohua - scratchy). Then along came xiaohei (xiaohei - black) months later, who was to be the love of her life. They were to live the lives of Shakespearen lovers, of tragic, beautiful passion...

Food Preference

Conclusion: People that doesn't like peas and corns gets pissed off by corny people.

Joys of Work

It’s the joy of starting something new. I’m actually humming – Jay’s song of coz though the craze has died down. I’m hard pressed to complete. Left to fend for myself – again. Overseeing the drama that might arise. Strangely, I don’t seem to mind anymore.

Posture Maintenance

I’m the very image of determination. Never to slide.

Silence Part 2

Silence is deafening. The sound of pc, aircon, everything, even breathing deafens me.

Insect

An insect scratched Mae's handphone. An insect that doesn't shave its legs. It flew, trip, fell and scratched. Then escaped without a trace.

Singapore Idol

I can't believe myself. I'm actually writing about this topic at 11:56pm but here I am - I'm slowly and surely turning into a groupie. Singapore tonight, is a nation divided. Divided between Taufik's fans and Sylvester's groupies. Yet it is also a nation united, voting, watching, anticipating for the one to be crowned the Idol after weeks and months of competition. The crowd at the Indoor Stadium blew me away. 7000 turned up on a weekday night to scream, yell, cheer and vote for the 2 guys living in the heartlands. 2 guys trying to make their dreams come true. Tens of thousands more stay glued to their TVs watching the show LIVE from all over the island - like myself - and many others unable to get near a TV, get updates from friends and family. The Idol was finally revealed at 11pm. My money was well-spent (21 sms votes) and at last I know I'll be able to sleep well tonight or rather morning. I'm still a Singaporean today, tomorrow and the day after.

Turning 15

Turning 15 when you're actually about 10 years older isn't a bad thing. Or is it? I find myself still in a daze after the concert, still humming the songs, still craving for more.

There's a concert in KL on the 29th Jan 2005 and we're thinking of rushing over to get another high. There's a book in Kinokuniya and I'm dying to get it just coz I'm still having the Jay fever. It's pretty high at 39.7C.

There's the Idol finals tonight. I'm gonna have to vote. I'm trying to limit myself to 5. My MSN nick today is I'm a Jay Fan & VOTE for Taufik Tonight. If he doesn't win, lots of Singaporeans are gonna have to migrate. We have no other choice. It's a matter of national pride. We have to send a decent someone to the World Idol. I'm wanting to hold a huge sign that says "TAUFIK YOU JUST HAVE TO WIN" and hop around the Indoor Stadium yelling his name.

I'm rushing home for the Finals yet I'm also dying to go get that book from town. Such dilemma.

I'm turning 15. 3 months before my 26th birthday.