Happy 27th Month

Ren, it's been a long, long month. One, for so many times this month, I thought we'll never reach. Doubts and conflicting issues aside, let's just eat our very "romantic" duck noodle dinner tonight and carry on this long, tiring walk together, holding hands. Happy 27th month.

My Dilemmas and Daydream Wishes

It's been confirmed - finally. Tashes is leaving us - I can see wings spouting from her back. The old man, he's letting her go. This lousy department is getting smaller and smaller, smaller in size, smaller in structure. One day, I'm gonna be the only one left. Not that it has not happened before. Perhaps it ain't so bad to be alone coz my biggest fear is to be alone with Mr Pink. He fuels my lousy emotions. He has that kinda power over me. I can't exactly say I'm at peace when he shuts his mouth coz I'm not a peaceful person. But each time he opens it to speak to me or simply make some noise, my hair will stand, my eyes will roll and stare - I'm THAT mean. I can't imagine life at work, keeping extreme silence. Do I still have my bargaining powers? Can I still work from home? Such a beautiful notion. I'm wanting to suggest it again, only to be stumped by thoughts of them, of Mr Pink calling me at pee wee hours asking me to solve "line 13 permission denied"?? Such dilemma. Then there's starusticity. Without me, will she be lonelier still? What this place seriously need, a good, heavy dose of NORMAL, fun loving people. Make that just NORMAL people. I do not wish to place my hopes too high, then again, that one wish might already be too much.

I Wonder Why Too

Got this from someone's footer in a forum and thought it was interesting. I wonder why. I wonder why? I wonder why I wonder why? - Richard Feynman

Maybe

Maybe I just feel sorry for myself. Maybe. I'm a loser with no friends. I'm the jinz that breaks all bonds. Maybe. I drain your emotions up dry. While you're suffering, I thirst for more. I'm on an emotional high, but you, you'll never read my mind. I do not mean to seriously no, I do not Hold my hand, read my thoughts. Maybe I'm just sorry for yourself. Sorry you led a life of lies. Of falsehood, of small chats. But maybe that ain't bad, it's just something I'll never understand Maybe.

Familiarity

Familiarity breeds unfamiliarity. It in turn breeds uncertainty. Familiar with a person, unfamiliar with your own true feelings. I'm unsure, not withstanding the storm when there's no storm in front of me. Not even the slightest of windy weather. Starting to have misgivings. Not understanding why but suddenly, I'm not into the future tense anymore.

Broken Circles

Love, I hunger. For more each time I breathe, each day I live. Sensitivity has become a trait of my character. I admit it, I'm self centered and oh so tough to live with. Every little anger request I made seeming to add agony to people's life. How so? Coz I do not know how to humor. I'm like a jinx. I come in and break people apart. The circle of bond, or of small mindless chats. I come in make a comment and breaks it up or with my mere presence. I couldn't speak the false. Couldn't live with false feelings. They can. I get hurt just coz someone forgets me. I've fussed and been presented with answers I do not want to hear. Coz they make no sense. I've been presented with comments about my own too sensitive mind. Been told to brush things off, been told to laugh things off. I hunger for love, for attention from just about anybody. Don't give me promises if you do not have the intend. I hold on to promises and hurt myself afterall, what are promises but small things, particles in the wind. I run with the wind for want of chasing them back, to catch them in my palms. When I open them up, it's just another sense of emptiness and another broken circle. One I broke up again while chasing back what I thought should have been mine. Then again, maybe nothing was ever mine.

Abandoned Ciggie Box

Did a bad thing today. We were having our weekly developer meeting as usual on a Tuesday morning. Took a quick glance on the right side of the floor, before I stood up to leave the room at the end of the meeting. Noticed something white and gold staring at me. Took a while for me to register the image coz it's not something that I'll use. Took a second look, then left the room without telling the obvious owner of its resting on the ground. Had to tell someone though. I did a bad thing and it's meant to be shared. I shared it with Tashes. Mr "Pink" man came out of the meeting room soon after me and left the office. Left as in physically moving his body out. When he came in again, we saw him fanatically looking for something. Basically left, right, up, down and of coz in, out. 'Looking for something, Mr "Pink"?', the words floated in my mind as he walked in big steps back to the boss' room, where he - might have - dropped it.

Sweets

Realized that I'm not a sweet person, I get sick each time I eat too much sweets. Sweetness is a foreign party in my body - nauseous from too many sweets.

The Vision

Dreamt of myself being chased by a man, a teacher. I ran. I hid, only to find him around the next corner again. I ran again till I saw a building equivalent to that of a tower. I walked slowly up the swirling steps not daring to turn on the lights, for fear that he might notice. At the top of the tower I heard, you can see the view of the most fantastic swimming pool. With soft, careful steps, I finally reached the top in the darkness. The wind blowing, howling, threatening to throw me off as I gazed at the most beautiful pool in the world. A vision appeared as sudden as it was natural. A vision of a man half carrying, half dragging a woman - his screaming wife. It was then I realized, he was the builder of this wondrous place. He did it for only one purpose, for his wife who was scared of heights. He brought her up also for only one purpose - to throw her down. I shivered at the vision as I watch him throw her down and turned away as it slowly fades away, drowning her soundless screams, looking for the next place to hide from my tormentor.

Kinokuniya Section - 小品

Its their fault - Tashes and Starusticity. They had to go to Taiwan and buy me a Chinese picture book. The book 150cm Life is like the biography of my short - in height - life, from cover to cover. I'm now hooked. A fan of chinese picture books.

In The End

In the end, the end was not the end but the renewal of a new relationship contract. There was no end afterall, only the beginning of perhaps a better thing. The point is, we're still together holding hands and pissing each other off.

The End

Everything has a beginning and an end. I'm sorry for wasting two years of your time. In the end, I chose myself over you. Choosing to be myself, to not to be judged. On the other hand, I chose you over myself. To let you go. To spare you from this emotionally draining task, To try to love me.

Circle of Life

If the start of a circle is a straight line, it should be erased immediately. Because try as you might, the ends will never meet.

Choice

http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/introverts_communicate.html http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/redbackup.html

I don't wanna make any excuses, however this, I believe is me. Some things freak me out. As in really really freak me out. I don't wanna change myself to fit the world coz I know I can't. I can't change myself, not for you coz I don't wanna have to be someone I'm not in front of the person I should be most comfortable with.

I spent years of my life being strange just coz I do not fit into this real world. It is a terrible feeling. I'm like the anti model of a normal human being. I thought, you can accept me as I am. However, I believe I'm wearing you out just as you are driving me up the wall.

I'm retreating coz I cannot forward. It's not that I do not want to. I know one day I will fail again and it will ultimately bring about more disappointment from you, as other people before you. Myself, I do not like failures.

Emotional roller coaster is a scary thing. Mine went up high this morning and crashed to break my pride. I don't know what I'm hoping for. You're already wore out. You'll not be here reading this. I'm not giving up, I just wanna help you, give you the choice you need. I don't want to be the emotional vampire that sucks you dry. If you wanna leave, it is your choice. I blame no one.

Jigsaw

If life were one big jigsaw, I'll be dumped coz I'm none of the right pieces. I'm an introvert. I'm not strange, just misunderstood. In a world of noisy crowd lovers. I'm labeled strange coz I do not fit and never will. This one trait left me wounded coz I refused to change. It wounded others coz I'm required to. I never felt that change is necessary for me to fit the world coz I know try as I might, I never will. All that it achieves is other's bit of happiness and my own misery. I cannot go against my very inner calling. I'll fail one day and enjoy more disappointment. Please understand me. I'm tired of making excuses so as to be myself. Stop molding me into someone else. Anyone else. Everyone else.

Appraisal

I'm such a non crowd pleaser. I can't even please the person I love. All coz I'm too honest? Or coz I'm too self centred. I can never please. In my performance appraisal, I'm always a zero.

Introvert

I can't mingle well in a stranger closet. The world feels noisy while I'm quiet. I don't know them. I don't expect myself to know. In a social world of smiling strangers, I'm that freaking strange one. I sit alone, Looking at everything into nothingness. Try as they might, Try they might or might not, Here I remain, Preferring to be comfortable on my own. In the tightness of the closet Strangers chatted away. In that cramped alley, I center my world around myself.

Oversee and Overlook

It is interesting how 2 words that looks almost similar has such different meanings. Though both might seemed to refer to the eye focusing on things. No wonder it is so easy to oversee and overlook.

Smile

I realized that there is a need to get my life back altogether again. Feeling down and lonely in this lousy air made me think of people I've not met and spoken to for ages. I message old friends, sent emails, catch up with my cousin on MSN. Arranging meetings, movie trips and so on. Life can be good. It can be so simple too. Anybody can be happy. When did I forget such a simple fact? Nothing is ever too late. I will not question why I didn't realize this need earlier. I can be cheerful and beautiful again as my cousin puts it. And I shall be. There's no need to reconsider again. I will leave this place with pride. Finally, I can smile.

Escape

Yesterday was a terrible day. I felt myself sinking deep into depression once again. Reading my past posts in the blog, I can almost track my depression meter. I couldn't work. Not at all. I have intentions to call in for an urgent leave. To at least get away from it all, to curl up in a corner, to sleep and cry it off. I had to receive an sms from the guy at 8 in the morning telling him he was on mc and there was something wrong with the program since 4.40pm the day before. I woke up, scream and cried out - loud. What is wrong with everything else around me? Why can't I get away for 1 day? Why didn't he check before he left the office? How can he only inform me at that time? I can't go to work. My mum scolded me for wanting to take the day off for no reason. I really can't. I had to be dragged to the bathroom and drag to the door later on. My brother had to drive me to work. I reached the office at 8.40am. Turned on his pc and mine. Resolved the stupid problem which had to do with file size of a certain log file being too large with tears flowing from my eyes. Deleted off the log then sat in front of my pc. My hair stood on their ends. I can't face it. Not this place. Not these things. Not the air. I stared at the empty room and felt its emptiness screaming right at me. Not here. I shouldn't be here. Not now. Not this time. I logged onto MSN looking for my love one. Looking for some comfort. I didn't get it. He didn't understand. I stared at the MSN window, more tears. I had to get out. Got my colleague's help to take urgent leave from the man that I couldn't talk to anymore, at least not now. Packed my bag and I left the place. I walked and walked and walked. The wind blowing at my body, tearing my bones apart. The tears that wouldn't stop. I didn't know how I managed to get home but I did. Rest. I needed that, at least. I slept and dreamt. Dreamt of messages in my mobile, miss calls from them. I cannot escape. Not even in my dreams.

Outburst

After enduring through the meeting, in which I was amazed by my ability to stay calm, all it takes is 1 stupid question to make me blow my top. I yelled at him.Finally.I had enough,I really had enough. I do not wish to be put to blame, responsible for others' fault anymore. I storm out for almost an hour. Relief. Pent up anger finally released. My letter is typed, folded and ready. I'll hand it over as soon as I finish my reports.

Collapse

Spare me from this hell coz I really do not want to work anymore. I hate answering phone calls that keeps coming in. Phone calls that do not matter to me. I hate explaining things over and over again. Things that has been explained to death. Spare me from this hell please. I hate having my holidays disturbed just coz they want something that is not urgent. I hate having my family and friends disturbed just coz the things they want, I have no obligation to answer. I have no one to turn to today. Not even a person who I can turn to, to vent my fustrations, pour my emotions. Not a person till 6 days later. I'm collapsing. There's nothing to hold on to. And perhaps, just let me collapse. I'm sick of being the one to do everything again and again and again. I'm tired of being the one and only programmer. The one who has to come up with ideas, designs, analysis, codes, solutions, deal with stupid users, training, explanation to who? The boss and the users and of course, his lousy stupid wife who is of coz oh so smart. All these, while my boss sits back and pushes me to die. I'm tired of attending meetings that has no meaning. I'm tired of having to handle every single thing by myself. I'm tired of being asked about every single thing, be it mine, or others, past, present and future. Things that were done by me, by others and the others before them. With no one to refer to, no one to teach me and plenty of others to ask and bug me for explanation. Tell me my job scope again and leave me to it. Convince me the boss who employed me again is him not her. Explain to me why I should be doing others' work on top of my own? I'm really tired. I'm no longer a survivor. I can't survive anymore. There's only 1 of me. I have a pair of arms, legs and 1 brain. Leave me alone and let me be. I do not want to come to work anymore. I'm tired. Dead tired.

First Day of Work

This place seemed to be bringing out the worst in me. I feel like killing people everyday. I'm the only one left to fend for myself. I'm the only left to defend whatever nonsense my boss who has absolutely no knowledge in IT created. He pushes me out to die. Every step I take is filled with danger. I'm been stabbed every step of the way. Bleeding. All these while he fakes his innocence. I feel employed by the evil bitch who is his wife. I'm doing most of their work. Why? Am I not a programmer? I'm fighting a war everyday. I'm holding onto my dear life for survival. I might not be able to stand up by myself anymore. But why am I? What am I? Why haven't I understood after all these while? I'm not employed. I'm bought.