Abandonment

Friends, through this x'mas season, I seemed to have lost a few more. Gone are the year and a half of happy times. The I'll-stand-by-you statements which, now I understand why, were often left unsaid. The memories of our relationship, fading away into nothing more than figments of a life long past. Perhaps I've always gotten it wrong, I misunderstood the friendly intentions and the meaning of the word yet again. In my teenage years, friends are people that share their sorrow with me, drag me into their problems, hide behind my small frame and desert me at the slightest bit of laughter in the air. As I got older, I thought I fully understood. I stayed aloof, unattached and at my short arm's length. Friends, however still found ways to get into my life. They changed the meaning 180 degrees around and fooled me by sharing their laughter. Or rather I would say, make me the joker for their daily entertainment. I was pressurized into creating more foolish antics in relation to their growing demands. I refused to be led. I declined the offer to be made the fool against my very wishes. I'm just myself. Neither the leader nor the follower. I'm just myself, alone. Lonely, surrounded by massive noise. I'm not in denial just coz I rejected the strange label. How strange is it to ask for love and comfort? How weird is it to ask for freedom to be myself, to be politically incorrect at times? Friends that come and go, promised to stay yet chose to leave. Choose others over me once again. I'm always at the end of the scale at judgment day why should I even be surprised? Sympathy is not a word made for me. Love is never enough. And after all is said and done, all that was left, is to abandon me.