Slightly More than a Quarter Century

Was writing this post, a rather happy one, some crazy adventure we had yesterday. Couldn't carry on till the end. Didn't know why but I just simply broke down. My exteriors cracked - like a century egg, I broke down and I cried. Perhaps it's the rush of emotions gusting out at full speed, all these feelings trapped inside for ages, at least since the last month. So much has happened. Had a job, was fedup but sailing along. Woke up one day and thought "no, this is not what I wanted". Quit my job, thinking "let's just go find what I truly desire". Serving notice and feeling so so. Got another wake up call this time, saying "hey! you're really in the pits you know? you can't go anywhere actually. you're simply in a nicer term, useless". Lost my confidence, pick up my butt again and started desperately looking for jobs. Job came in - interview tomorrow - but why am I feeling lost again? These few months also saw friends and airen breezing either through their careers - perhaps breeze is not the correct word but it is to me -, their social lives or their emotional well being. I felt so left behind somehow. I've never been so full of envy, envy even of the one closest to me. Been asking myself what do I exactly want? Been wanting to also duplicate the type of lives that people around me are leading. Somehow I'm always somewhere there, yet not quite so. In fact, it would be more convenient to say I was never there. Airen got rather offended - I think - when I told him I'm jealous of him. He said I should be happy for him. His life and the way it's going. Yes, I do admit I'm wrong but everywhere I turn, I see someone going somewhere. I'm neither here nor there, I'm simply nowhere. It hurts to feel that way. It hurts to see people who are inferior to me getting there - wherever there might be. It hurts even more to have people coming up to me, showering praises and such because I'm not worth it - yet. I refused to be a cookie cutter working personnel in this government protected island. Still, I seemed to be trying hard at living the high lives of a successful, executive ginger bread man to prove my worth. I'm a conflict unto myself. Airen, there's nothing to be sorry about regarding your success, it's me who's simply sorry. I probably would need to pick myself up once more. It's only my ego that's bruised, I wonder why I even bothered competing myself against you - it's been a long, long time since he frequent this lonely place when once he was my most loyal fan. perhaps that made me felt left out too coz this was the place that made me felt important even when I'm not for the very simple reason, "the audience are listening" or rather reading. I wonder if he'll ever get to read this. Quarter life crisis, if only it were that simple. Then again, is quarter life crisis even simple?