Friday 13th 2005

I really didn't know how to start this post but I supposed I have to. I owed it to my buddies and anyone concerned. Really didn't know what to write. The events of that day and the next were as hazy as the thickest London fog - was it London? I couldn't recall as much except for some heart numbing pain. Perhaps my biggest mistake was not reading adult romances, everything seemed so unfamiliar to me. All I knew was to cut the relationship short so that we both would not have to suffer the same pain and regret time after time. I thought I was so cool. Yet, 2 words were what it took and they tore at my heart. I felt so cold when I left the office building that night, not knowing how to go home nor where to go. I simply stood at the side of the road, trying to comprehend my actions, trying to recall where I was going, with tears that wouldn't stop flowing. Never knew that a person could get drowned in tears nor that it could contribute to flu. Not till that day. Whatever the hurt, whatever the pain, now they all just seemed so juvenile. So childish, I feel so ashamed of myself for hurting so many other people on the way. My sis hitted a nerve when she scolded me for being childish and immature. Perhaps, what we need was a sensible point of view from an 3rd party. I thank my sister for being so patient, for lending me her shoulders, for scolding sense, for talking sense, for crying with me. If not for you, sis - though she doesn't know about this blog - I'll still be in bed drowning in tears I never knew I had so much of. Thank you mum - though my mum doesn't read - for being there no matter how much I lash out on you. I'm sorry mum for breaking your heart, for making you worried. I'm really, really sorry. All I wanted was some personal space which I didn't get, not even in the toilet. Thank you, my good buddies, Jacqie for understanding and canceling off the KTV session last minute. I'm really sorry about that. You've been helping me arrange it time and again. Tashes for that very concerned message but I was too tired to return it - though I was already ok at that time. Especially Starusticity for being there for me when I needed a ear or eyes to complain to and being so concerned and supportive. In case anyone bothers to know, I'm trying very hard to start on a book my sis recommended "The 5 Love Languages" - so unlike something I'll ever read but I supposed, sis is right. I have to grow up and I have to start accomdating the other person fully into my life.

My sis: Decide if you can live without this person in your life. If you love him then hold on no matter what the obstacles, else back off. It can be that simple yet so tough a decision. The decision is yours. Make it wisely.

We made that decision to stay together. I'm still unsure if he is the one but for now I know, I would still like him to continue holding my hand.